


I lose my voice when I look at you

by Neuqe



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 4+1 Things, Background Relationships, Fluff, M/M, Meddling Friends, Misunderstandings, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-02-27 07:25:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13243377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neuqe/pseuds/Neuqe
Summary: Jace keeps giving gifts to Simon. Simon is clueless.orFour times Jace gives Simon a gift and one time Simon gives him a gift





	I lose my voice when I look at you

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a christmas present for Jacky, who is the best and awesome, but this is over a week late because life got in a way but at least is done now, so merry belated christmas and happy new year!

**1.**

Simon sighs as he pushes the door of the boathouse open. It isn’t even a particularly heavy door, but he is so unbelievably tired that even opening a door feels like a major achievement.

He cannot come up with any positive things about being a college student. That list is as non-existent as his motivation. Simon is convinced he will drown under a pile of unfinished essays at any given moment. He cannot even bring himself to panic about the deadlines. He has just fallen into a bottomless pit of desperation.

Accounting studies are sucking out his live to will, which is a difficult thing to do considering he is already technically dead, but finals are truly destroying him.

He cannot wait until the end of semester, although with his luck yet another psychopathic shadowhunter will unleash their plan for world domination during the holiday season.

Simon really hopes that isn’t the case.

He closes the door behind him and stares at the emptiness of the dark boathouse. He cannot ignore the pang of loneliness in his chest, because it is strong and almost hurts. He is tempted to call or text Jace, because he knows how to make that pang go away, but he still doesn’t do it, because first of all, he doesn’t know what time it is in Berlin and most importantly, he doesn’t want to bother him.

 _Life sucks and I miss you_ isn’t the best conversation opener or even the most interesting text he could send to him. Besides, he is sure Jace has far more important things to do and deal with than listen to Simon ramble how much he misses caffeine.

Simon cannot shake off the feeling of loneliness, even though he tries. It has been a quiet week because Jace with his siblings and Clary are in Germany on some obscure diplomatic mission. Simon misses all of them, a lot.

No one knows when they are coming back, which makes the time seem even longer. He is sure time has slowed down during the week. One reason for that might be that the four of them being on a different continent restricts the number of people he can spend his time with in New York.

He has seen Maia few times, but she is busy with her studies and job. Magnus has the tendency to get grumpy when Alec is on the other side of the planet, and listening him to complain and to talk about longing doesn’t help him with his loneliness. He has spent most of his time with Luke and Bat, which has been fun. He watches them to eat Chinese food while he complains about college.

Simon tries to stop wallowing self-pity and wonders whether he should go to Jade Wolf to see if he can find Bat or Luke, but decides that he can probably spend his time more productively than watching them to eat noodles. Unfortunately, essays don’t write themselves.

He slouches towards his table that could easily be mistaken as a mere pile of books, papers and glasses. He throws his bag to the floor and collapses to a nearby armchair.

He wonders where he can summon the energy to clean up the table when he sees something on the edge of the table. It definitely was not there when he left in the morning.

He reaches to grab it, realising that it is a snow globe. It is one of those snow globes that every souvenir shop in the world has but Simon is still fascinated by it. It is small enough to fit onto his palm easily as he shakes it gently and he looks at the small fake snowflakes fall on the top of Bradenburg Gate. Just for clarity, under the glass sphere, the word Berlin is written with cursive letters.

Simon is so focused on examining the snow globe, he almost misses the yellow sticky note on the table. It isn’t a long note by any means, just one single word, written with Jace’s elegant handwriting.

_A souvenir_

Simon rolls his eyes as he puts the note back to the table. It’s a very Jace-like thing to do, to leave a note without actually explaining anything. It’s even more Jace-like thing to leave a souvenir on the table.

He cannot help but grin as he examines the snow globe again. It’s ridiculous but his stomach twists in the best way possible just at the thought of Jace buying a souvenir for him. Knowing that he had thought of him enough to buy him a souvenir just widens Simon’s grin. Maybe he should have texted him during the week.

He knows Jace does not buy a lot of souvenirs from their occasional diplomatic missions, which just strengthens the bubbling feeling of excitement and happiness in his chest.

Of course, any of this doesn’t help him to cope with his massive unrequited crush in any healthier way. It makes things even worse, because the souvenir is a proof that Jace cares about him, and it sparks up the hope that maybe, and just maybe, his feelings wouldn’t be unrequited.

Simon has no idea what he and Jace are to each other. They are friends for sure, best friends even, but he is clueless about anything that goes beyond friendship. He cannot get rid of his crush. He has tried, but denial and burying it somewhere deep aren’t working, at all. Another well-established fact is that Jace doesn’t feel the same.

He isn’t completely sure about that well-established fact because he and Jace have kissed once, on the alley behind Hunter’s Moon. It was more of a peck on the lips than a kiss and Jace was drunk. He suspects Jace doesn’t even remember it. He prefers that to the alternative of him remembering, but deciding to ignore it because it had been a mistake. It hurts less that way.

Living with his unrequited crush isn’t always easy, especially when Jace spends practically all of his free time with him, he is way too kind, he has a genuine and gentle smile that creates wrinkles around his eyes and it is the kind of smile Jace keeps smiling around him, he looks unfairly hot in his leather jacket, he always tries to make him laugh and he watches sci-fi movies with him. Yet, he has no intentions actually to tell Jace how he feels.

Living with unrequited crush is easier than knowing that it truly is unrequited. Besides, he doesn’t want to ruin their friendship over something as stupid as his feelings. Jace is far too important for him.

Simon doesn’t want to wallow in self-pity for any moment longer. He likes the snow globe and he likes the warm happiness that bubbles in his chest as he watches the snow globe on the table and that is enough for now. He doesn’t need to think about implications. It’s an implication-free snow globe of Berlin and he loves it.

He picks up the pen and writes below Jace’s note.

_Thank you. This is gonna be the beginning of my previously non-existent snow globe collection. Also, stop breaking into my apartment._

Then as an afterthought he adds one more thing, because there is at least one thing he can be honest about.

_I missed you._

He still grins widely as he carefully places the snow globe on one of his shelves.

***

On the next day, Simon finds yet another snow globe and a note from his table.

Simon chuckles as he picks up the new snow globe and notices the familiar statue of Liberty inside of it. The snow globe is almost identical to the one he received yesterday. Whoever has designed it, clearly wanted to avoid any confusion, as New York is written under the glass sphere part of it.

The same warm happiness settles in his chest as he picks up the new note.

_Two is already a collection and it’s a boathouse, not an apartment. I missed you, too._

_Also, there is a revolutionary idea called texting._

Simon rolls his eyes but it is out of fondness, mostly. He lingers at the ‘missed you’ part for slightly too long, but he cannot help it. If he had a heartbeat, he is sure it would flutter.

He places the new snow globe next to the other one before pulling out his phone from the pocket of his jeans.

[8.02 pm] _I know what texting is, thank you very much_  

It takes Jace a less than a minute to text him back.

[8.02 pm] _Based on the weeklong silence you don’t_

Simon ignores the small knot of guilt that forms inside of him. He doesn’t know how to casually say that he missed him so much that he didn’t know what to say and probably would have admitted all of his unrequited feelings if he had texted him.

[8.07 pm] _I didn’t want to bother you_

That is at least a part of the truth and that is enough for Simon. Besides, Jace didn’t text him, either, but it’s okay because he knows he had far more important things to do than text him.

[8.08 pm] _You would never_

Suddenly, there is an immense lump in his throat and he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He is almost glad that he has a twelve-page essay to write, because he needs the distraction.

***

On the next day, there is no new snow globe, but Jace waits for him at the boathouse.

Simon is so happy to see him that he thinks his undead heart might burst. It takes every bit of his self-control not to run and hug him.

“Hello, person who doesn’t live here,” Simon greets him.

“I actually understood that reference,” Jace points out as a greeting as he stands up.

“Great, my attempts at educating you about pop culture hasn’t been in vain,” Simon declares proudly and with a huge grin.

“Clearly not,” Jace hums, but he looks mostly amused.

Jace’s mouth twitches up into a half-smile and Simon’s grin widens even more, if it is even possible, and they just stare at each other.

Simon didn’t even realise how much he missed him until now. It is almost overwhelming how relieved and giddy he feels. He knows he needs to say something, but everything seems lame in comparison how he actually feels.

“I missed you,” he ends up saying, almost accidentally, and it isn’t very profound. It still feels right, even though he is repeating himself.

“I know, I’m an extremely easy person to miss,” Jace says with a crooked grin.

“When you say stuff like that it makes me think that any moment of missing you was the product of my imagination,” Simon replies without a missing a beat.

“I missed you, too,” Jace says, effortlessly, as he picks up one of the snow globes. “Did you like these?”

Simon almost misses the way Jace’s voice changes. Suddenly, there is an edge to his voice. An edge that sounds uncharacteristically lot like nervousness. He doesn’t seem nervous or unsure, which makes Simon doubt whether he imagined it.

“Yeah, I did,” Simon tells with a radiant smile, “although the other one isn’t a souvenir. It cannot be when it’s from the city I live in.”

“Unimportant details,” Jace replies with a huff, but he flashes a quick smile. “Do you remember what I said about souvenirs once?”

The question throws him off a little. He remembers when he and Jace had argued about souvenirs with Maia and Izzy months ago. He only vaguely remembers the conversation. It started when Izzy brought a magnet to Maia from Paris. Jace thought souvenirs were mostly pointless and that he only buys them for Max. Izzy kept a lecture for him about caring about people, including mentions of him being probably a little emotionally dense.

“That you only buy them for Max?” Simon offers unsurely, clueless what Jace supposes he remembers. He always thought he buys them for him because Max misses his older siblings terribly when they are away and Simon knows how much Jace loves his youngest brother. “Does that make me an exception to your rule?” He half-jokes.

Jace’s face falls and Simon has no idea what he said wrong.

“Something like that,” Jace eventually vaguely replies with a smile that looks strained.

Simon is tempted to ask why he bought the snow globes and what he wanted him to remember but he doesn’t know how to ask. He doesn’t want to sound ungrateful, he is just curious. Besides, Jace is paying a lot more attention to the globe than to him, and Simon takes it as a hint to change the subject.

“Do you want to catch up with _Brooklyn Nine Nine_?” He asks, because his brain is blanking and it is their thing to watch it together.

“Sure,” Jace replies, but there is still a strange edge in his voice and he seems slightly upset, but Simon is ninety-eight percent sure he is imagining it, so he lets it slide.

They spend rest of the night cramped up on his crappy couch, watching television, while Jace tells little details about their trip. The children of the Berlin Institute had fun with making jokes about Alec’s pronunciation of German. Clary desperately tried to create a translation rune because her German was even worse and Izzy got lost once. Simon tells about the disastrous afternoon when they found out Bat was allergic to fennel and how they had to call Magnus for help.

It is all sorts of perfect, he is happy and Jace is laughing so freely with his whole body shaking with laughter, and the laughter is so beautiful that Simon heart aches.

**2.**

Almost a week later, Simon comes out to Jace.

Coming out, in Simon’s opinion, is just _confusing._ A perfect place, way or timing doesn’t exist. All of them are just myths when it comes to coming out. If they did exist, the whole thing would be lot easier.

For Simon, most of the time, it just happens, because he has a chronic habit of rambling and it isn’t like he is trying to keep it as a secret. Sometimes he cannot resist the temptation of an awesome pun.

It gets a little tiresome that he has to keep coming out. It is nothing like in the movies. There isn’t a one big revelation, it’s a series of smaller revelations. It’s a whole collection of coming outs.

To be honest, Simon sometimes forgets to whom he has come out. It is hard to keep track after a while. Some people know even though he has never told it to them. Some people don’t realise it even though he would spell it out to them.

On a one quiet night patrol with Jace, he realises he has never come out to him. He suspects Jace probably knows he isn’t straight, but he has never said it aloud. Simon thinks it is understandable. There isn’t a lot of time for heartfelt conversations when somebody is trying to end the world as everyone knows it.

After the whole Valentine-Sebastian fiasco was over, it felt like he had known Jace forever and he just automatically assumed Jace knows everything about him, even though he does not.

Simon gets this sudden realisation when they are sitting on the edge of the roof of some old and shabby warehouse. It isn’t a particularly tall building, but it still gives a view to the river and skyline of the city. Simon likes the place. It’s beautiful, peaceful and _theirs._

It’s a cold night, but Jace radiates heat next to him, and the sky is clear. Simon cannot see the stars because of light pollution, but he likes to think about them anyway. They have been quiet for a while and Jace fidgets with his stele and Simon swings his legs that are dangling over the edge.

Simon is fond of their rooftop moments. He likes watching the city that is always buzzing with life and it is considerably less weird to sit at the rooftop with someone than alone. Besides, even though they are technically working, he still gets to spend the time with Jace and they have reached the point in their friendship where the silence isn’t uncomfortable. It’s almost comforting to know that he could talk about whatever is on his mind or not to say a word, but still he knows he isn’t alone.

He told it to Jace on one night. Jace replied that is most likely what people mean by companionship. Simon likes that thought, too.

Somehow, the night sky and rooftop makes easier to talk about things. It is as if the rooftop existed away from reality, in a bubble, where just the two of them exist. Everything else is somewhere far away, being unclear and unimportant. Somewhere along the way, they have developed the habit of telling secrets or talking about other things they usually do not like to talk about when they are on the rooftop.

It is a safe place, which makes it easy for Simon to let his mind wander when he listens to the sounds and noises of the city, which is exactly how he comes to the realisation about coming out.

As soon as he realises it, he has a sudden urge to tell him. Jace should know, he thinks, because he is one of his best friends and they tell each other practically everything, besides unrequited love and that kind of things, but he doesn’t count those.

“I’m pan,” Simon suddenly blurts out without any previous context but he thinks Jace doesn’t mind because that is how most of their rooftop conversations go. “I don’t know why I haven’t told you that before, but yeah.”

Saying it aloud still gives him the same thrill and excitement as it did the first time because there is no better feeling than telling the truth and accepting himself as he is. It is exhilarating.

Jace turns his head to look at him. “That’s great. I’m glad you trust me enough to tell that to me,” he says softly and there is no trace of sarcasm or anything similar to it in his voice, just pure sincerity.

“Of course I trust you,” Simon answers immediately because he would trust him with his life. He has trusted him with his life. After someone saves you from few kidnappings and a certain death, there is very little what you would not trust them with.

Jace’s smile is so incredibly warm and Simon feels like melting.

***

A week later, it is the last day of Hanukkah, and Simon is stressing about the family dinner. Family dinners can be fun, great, chaotic and sometimes even disastrous, but they become even more stressful when no one from your family knows you are a vampire.

He is coming up with plausible explanations why he cannot eat or why he is not eating as much as last year, when somebody knocks his door.

He opens the door and the first thing he sees is Jace. It is snowing and a bunch of snowflakes have melted on his hair, making it damp. He is wearing his full shadowhunter gear and a seraph blade hangs from his belt, yet he is grinning so brightly.

Simon is so mesmerized by his smile that he doesn’t even notice the small present that Jace is holding in his hands.

“Happy Hanukkah,” he wishes and shoves the present to him.

“Thanks,” Simon says, surprised. He examines the present, a box, wrapped neatly in red wrapping paper with a golden ribbon on top of it.

“Yeah,” Jace says, flashing a smile, “I gotta go, a demon attack in Manhattan.”

Jace is the only person Simon knows who actually grins excitedly while talking about demon hunting. He is buzzing with energy as always before a hunt.

“I just wanted to give you that in time,” Jace continues, gesturing towards the gift, “and wish good luck with the dinner. Food poisoning excuse works always,” he advices, before sprinting off.

“Happy hunting,” Simon wishes to the empty and dark dockyard, slightly dumbfounded.

He closes the door and sits on one of the armchairs. He stares at the gift, unsure what to do with it. He knows he should open it but he still surprised enough about Jace remembering about Hanukkah and giving him an actual gift. He has always thought Jace wasn’t the present-buying type of a person, but then again this isn’t the first gift he has received from him.

Maybe there are things he doesn’t yet know about Jace.

He rips the wrapping paper away. The box is a regular small cardboard box, except for the fact that it says _For Simon_ on top of it. He carefully opens the box, revealing a small BB-8 figure. It is adorable, beautiful, and shiny with vibrant colours and many details. It looks exactly like the one in the new star wars movies, except this one has a tiny pan flag attached to it.

He cannot prevent the laughter that escapes from his mouth. As far as Hanukkah presents go, it’s perfect. He loves it instantly. Jace has always seemed indifferent to _Star Wars_ and he cannot believe that Jace has paid enough attention to his rambling about _Star Wars_ and its droids actually to remember it later when choosing the present.

The pan flag is definitely attached by Jace, judging by the less than graceful use of tape, but Simon doesn’t mind. He loves it, and he knows it is Jace’s way to show his support. He has always preferred action to words.

A wave of warmth spreads in him as he watches his gift. It’s thoughtful, sweet and one of the best gifts he has ever received. It isn’t helping him at all with his mission that he imaginatively named Getting Over Jace. Yet, he is convinced that their friendship is worth of suffering the unrequited feelings quietly.

He makes the mental note to himself to buy Jace something awesome for Christmas, then he picks up his phone from the table and texts him.

_It’s perfect thank you_

**3.**

It’s New Year’s Eve and Simon finds himself from the Institute’s New Year party. These things tend to happen when almost all of your closest friends happen to be shadowhunters.

To be honest, Simon kind of hates it. The music is loud and people are talking with each other, creating only a blur of noise and murmur. In situations like this, Simon really hopes he didn’t have enhanced hearing.

All the noise leaves him slightly disorientated and the place is packed with people he doesn’t know. Somebody even gave him a glass of champagne he cannot drink.

Small talk isn’t his strongest skill and most of the people just glance at him in confusion as if they aren’t sure why he even is there. Some woman thought he was a waiter.

He saw Izzy and Maia few minutes ago, but they disappeared into the crowd soon after. Alec is trying his best to fulfil his duties as the head of the Institute, he has been circling around the room with Magnus, trying to greet and talk with every guest.

Clary and Lydia are slow dancing in the middle of the room and it seems as if they have forgotten about the rest of the world. They are radiating happiness and Simon doesn’t have the heart to go and bother them only because he is feeling out of place.

He stands there, awkwardly dodging the people who walk past him until Jace appears somewhere. He is grinning, seeming completely at home in the huge crowd. For a moment, Simon wonders whether he really likes it or he is just good at pretending.

“I’ve been looking for you,” he says, casually, as a form of greeting.

“You have?” Simon asks, perplexed because Jace is the only one of his friends who he hasn’t seen during the whole evening.

Jace merely nods and gestures him to follow him before he walks into the crowd again. Simon tries his best to keep up with Jace’s pace but he is failing spectacularly. Jace moves quickly, gracefully avoiding pumping into people.

Simon has no such luck. Being turned into a vampire fixed a lot of things, like his eyesight, but his clumsiness remained intact. He walks straight into a tall and lean man, making both of them lose their balance temporarily and spilling their drinks mostly on Simon’s jacket.

He smiles awkwardly and mutters his apologies before walking away, attempting to find Jace again. All Simon can smell is the strong scent of red wine being mixed with champagne and feels almost sick. He loathes his enhanced senses.

He gyrates in the crowd, trying to find him, but all he can feel his how the wine and champagne are soaking through his jacket. It takes him a few moments more to find Jace, who is standing at the edge of the room.

Jace laughs when he sees the wine stains, but it is a kind laughter, and not directed at him. Simon glances at him, anyway. Simon rolls his eyes and lifts his right hand. Drops of red wine drop to the floor. He is sure he looks miserable, judging by the way that Jace tries his best to stifle down a laughter.

“What happened?”

“I’m a walking disaster and pumped into someone who was holding a very full of glass wine. Not all of us have agility runes,” he jokes.

Jace laughs again, and briefly, Simon thinks that it is almost worth of being covered in wine stains, if it makes him laugh.

“Only you,” he says almost fondly, before pushing the door open to the adjacent room.

Simon follows him, realising that the old storage room has been turned into a some sort of kitchen because of the party. The tiny room is filled with trays of drinks and appetisers.

Simon takes off his jacket. He wants to get rid of it immediately. It stinks and it is probably beyond saving. He folds the jacket to a trashcan and accepts the glass of blood that Jace hands him.

“You didn’t need to get me a new glass, I could have just-“

Jace interrupts his rambling. “-stood there, holding a drink that you cannot even drink?” Jace fills for him, amusement colouring his voice.

“Yeah,” Simon replies sheepishly.

Jace chuckles. “Besides, you looked like you needed a break,” he says, before hopping on to one of the counters to sit. “It’s probably quite awful out there with vampire’s hearing.”

“Yeah, it is,” Simon confirms as he sips his drink. No one else has thought of that before and Simon is just grateful that Jace had. “I cannot distinguish all of the sounds and it just becomes like an ocean of noises and yeah it’s pretty horrible.”

Jace’s smile looks sympathetic. “I don’t know if this is any better,” he says, gesturing the small room.

Simon looks around the kitchen. For the first time since he arrived to the party, he feels relaxed. The sounds from the party are audible but not loud. The room is tiny, not luminous and there is not much space to move around because of tables and trays but Simon likes it.

Simon once again feels like he and Jace are the only people in the whole world, and his heart might burst as he looks at him.

“This is a lot better,” he says, making Jace smile. Jace looks _happy_. He is a little jittery, like before hunting, but his smile is so freaking bright that Simon thinks it could outshine the city’s fireworks. He knows it is a genuine smile because it reaches his eyes, making them shine.

If Simon had more courage, he would kiss him right there, but he doesn’t. It is a perilous thought and he settles for smiling at him wistfully.

“Do you like it?” Simon asks gesturing towards the door and the party that keeps going on without them.

Jace shakes his head. “No. It’s tedious. I’d be out of here already if I hadn’t promised Alec to stay. Staying with you in this tiny prawn reeking kitchen is a lot more fun.”

Simon laughs. “I think the prawn smell gives the room character.”

“I don’t trust any decoration advice coming from you. You live in a boathouse,” Jace deadpans.

“It’s urban,” Simon defends, but he cannot hide the smile that creeps on his face.

“It’s a dump.”

“It’s an urban dump,” Simon concludes with a chuckle.

Silence falls between them, but Simon doesn’t mind. He drinks his glass empty and he glances at the trashcan in which he threw his jacket.

“Sorry about your jacket,” Jace suddenly says, breaking the silence.

Simon waves his hand dismissively. “It’s okay. It wasn’t even particularly good jacket,” he says, telling the truth. It is old, slightly too big and there are threads hanging from both sleeves. “Besides, for once being a vampire is useful. I cannot feel cold even while wearing this,” he continues with a smug grin as he gestures his white t-shirt.

Jace looks at him strangely before taking his leather jacket off. Jace has never been a fan of formal wear, Simon knows that much, but apparently Jace is wearing his fancier leather jacket today because Simon cannot spot any stains of any demon goo or blood.

“There,” Jace says and throws the jacket at him and Simon barely catches it. He glances at Jace again, but he looks only amused.

Simon puts the jacket on and he likes how warm it is. It is slightly too big for him on shoulders, making it hang on him, but it’s comfortable and soft. The jacket smells like Jace, a mix of apple scented shampoo and some cologne Simon cannot name, but he doesn’t mind. He likes it a lot.

He looks at Jace, and he swears Jace’s face lights up like a Christmas tree when he sees him wearing the jacket. Simon has the urge to kiss him again, but again, he doesn’t.

“It looks good,” Jace says with an enormous grin as he hops off from the counter. “Keep it, it suits you.”

Simon shakes his arm, examining the sleeve that is just slightly too short. “Is that a genuine compliment or are you quoting _Star Wars_?” He asks, mostly as a joke.

Either one of those options seem as unlikely for Simon.

“I think quoting Star Wars is more your thing than mine,” Jace points out with a soft smile and pats him on the shoulder as he walks past him, into the party again.

Simon stays there, in the kitchen, dumbfounded until he realises that he probably should head back to the party too.

**4.**

It’s a Saturday afternoon in January when Jace gives him yet another gift.

Simon has settled into one of the corner tables in Hunter’s Moon, determined to finish making notes from previous accounting lectures.

He is interrupted when Jace takes the seat on the opposite side of the table. He merely nods as a greeting and before Simon has a chance to say anything, Jace places a rectangular shaped gift in a blue wrapping paper in front of him.

Simon stares at the present and Jace in disbelief. Every other time there has been a reason behind the presents. The snow globes were souvenirs, BB-8 was a Hanukkah present and the jacket was just the result of unfortunate circumstances. He cannot come up with any reason why he would be giving him a gift now.

“Why?” Simon asks, blurting it out and sounding very intelligent.

“Because I’m awesome,” Jace answers without missing a beat, as if he would have expected the question.

“Obviously,” Simon replies, rolling his eyes.

“Open it,” Jace says, sounding almost impatient.

Still perplexed, Simon unwraps the gift carefully. Under the layers of wrapping paper, he finds a paperback copy of The Martian by Andy Weir. He runs his thumb over the bright orange cover.

He mentioned a few days ago that he wanted to read it. He didn’t expect Jace to buy him a copy.

“Thanks,” he says sincerely with an amiable smile.

 Jace is about to say something, but before he has the chance to say it, his phone beeps. He fishes it from the pocket of his jacket and frowns slightly as he reads it.

“Gotta go,” he says, seeming almost sorry, “a demon lurking in Bronx.” He explains and stands up. “Have fun with the notes,” he adds. Just like that, he is gone again.

***

Turns out, Jace isn’t the only one who interrupts his study session.

Two hours later, Clary appears to his table with Izzy. As soon as they sit down, Clary notices the book.

“What is this?” She asks curiously, as she picks up the book to examine it more closely.

“A book,” Simon says, stating the obvious with a shit-eating grin, as he looks up from his notes. “Jace gave it to me.”

Izzy glances at the neatly folded wrapping paper. “Does he give you a lot of unexpected gifts?”

“Not usually,” he says and he cannot help but frown, because now that he thinks about it, before the snow globes he had not received anything from Jace, but then again, they haven’t been friends for that long.

“That’s really vague, Lewis,” Clary comments, laughing.

“I mean he brought me a souvenir from Berlin and gave me a Hanukkah present,” Simon explains as he scratches his neck.

“And?” Izzy prompts, almost gently.

Izzy knows about the jacket because she saw him wearing it at the party.

“He gave me his jacket when I spilled wine on mine,” he continues, trying to make it clear that the stains were the only reason. He picks up the book. “And now this book because I talked about it earlier and he did get us tickets to Hamilton, but I guess that doesn’t count because he didn’t buy them. He got them because someone owed him a favour,” Simon finishes lamely, because both Izzy and Clary are giving him strange looks.

“You know, Jace really isn’t a gift-giving person,” Izzy points out with a quizzical smirk.

“She’s right,” Clary confirms with a nod, “Jace gave me a codex for Christmas, which is nice except that I already have one, also given by him.”  

Izzy laughs and she seems to shake with laughter. “That’s how Jace usually is with gifts. He doesn’t buy thoughtful gifts.”

“Sounds like somebody has a crush,” Clary declares smugly.

 “I-I don’t have a crush on Jace. That would be ridiculous, it wouldn’t make sense at all. He’s my friend, so I definitely don’t have a crush on him. He’s just a friend, he’s my Jace, I mean he isn’t _my_ Jace, but you know, a friend and nothing more,” Simon stammers and rambles on.

Simon knows that if he keeps talking, he will just dig a deeper hole for himself and he doesn’t like the way Izzy and Clary are grinning at him. They are trying their best not to laugh, but they are not doing a very good job with it.

“I meant Jace but good to know that it’s mutual,” Clary says, patting his hand with hers.

“Jace doesn’t like me that way,” Simon says, defeated. He hates how weak and quiet his own voice sounds, but he cannot help it. It isn’t nice to know that his crush is unrequited but he still knows it. There is no way that Jace would return his feelings. Maybe in some parallel universe he does, but not in this one.

“I’m pretty sure everyone with eyes knows that he likes you. He looks at you if you were the centre of his universe. He gets this same look in his eyes when he talks about you as I do when I talk about Lydia,” Clary tells, but her voice is kind and soft.

Simon feels like his breath is hitching in his throat, even though he isn’t breathing. Clary cannot be right.  She is so in love with Lydia, Simon thinks, that she is seeing love there where it isn’t any.

“Help me, Izzy,” Clary says, nudging her.

“I have sworn that I won’t meddle with any of my brothers’ love lives, but this is an emergency because you two are so dense and this situation needs meddling,” she declares. Suddenly, she looks grave serious as if she was talking about the end of the world. “Jace likes you, might even love you. I don’t know, but I do know my brother and he hasn’t ever been too keen on talking about his feelings. He likes to act rather than talk.”

Simon knows that, but he still cannot believe that his crush wouldn’t be unrequited. He has thought for months that it is nothing but unrequited and he cannot wrap his head around the thought that he has been wrong for months. It’s unbelievable and unlikely.

“You mean Jace is trying to confess his--love,” Simon feels like he is chocking on the word, “through the gifts?”

It’s an overwhelming thought. The words feel strange in his mouth as he speaks them. Jace gives him gifts because he is his friend and wants to make him happy, not because he loves him. It’s normal platonic behaviour and nothing else. He knows this, but yet he cannot stop thinking the alternative, because it makes sense on some level.  

Maybe Jace does love him. He cannot believe it and somewhere deep in his heart he knows that it most likely cannot be true. He hates how the spark of hope ignites in his chest. He hate how hopeful it makes him.

“He would have said something,” Simon tries to argue.

“The same way you have told Jace that you love him?” Izzy asks slyly, tapping her fingers against the wooden table.

Simon opens his mouth and closes it again, because he doesn’t know what to say. They cannot have been pining after each other for months without noticing or knowing. He has tried his best to hide his true feelings but he knows that he can be transparent with his feelings, so he suspects that Jace might know already.

Besides, Jace is a lot more courageous than he is. If he had feelings towards him, he would have let him know. Jace has no issues approaching anyone he wants, Simon has witnessed it, and he likes to flirt. He cannot imagine Jace being nervous about talking to him, or anyone, about his feelings.

“Do you need a third opinion?” Izzy asks frustrated, looking almost pained that he doesn’t believe them.  He doesn’t have time to answer because Izzy has already turned around in her seat, waving at Maia, who is working behind the counter.

“Hey babe, do you think Jace is in love with Simon?” She almost yells and Simon wants to hide under the table because this isn’t a conversation they need to have with the entire Hunter’s Moon, even though the only customers besides them are one seelie and a werewolf.

Maia grins and puts down the shot glass she was drying up with a towel before. “Oh, definitely. It’s probably the worst kept secret in the shadow world,” she tells with laughter.

Clary and Izzy turn around to face Simon again with matching expressions that seem to scream ‘we told you so’.

“If everyone knows,” Simon says with a long-suffering sigh, “why anyone hasn’t said anything to us?”

“It’s not our business,” Clary says kindly, “we thought we would let you figure it out by yourselves.”

“There is also a bet,” Izzy says with smirk, “about when you two are getting together.”

Simon wants to hit his head against the table. He seriously wonders what of his life choices led him to this particular moment.

“Maybe you should get him a gift,” Clary suggests with a lazy shrug, and Simon sighs deeply.    

**+1**

Simon has imagined the possibility of Jace reciprocating his feelings. Of course, he has imagined it. Anything he has imagined isn’t even close to the reality.

He imagined that when he would find out about his feelings, he would instantly confront him. He would do some grand romantic gesture and they would get their happily ever after.

First of all, he didn’t imagine finding out about his feelings from other people. Yet, after he had the conversation with Izzy, Clary and Maia, unnervingly many people have come up to him to talk about Jace and love. Even Alec sent him a text saying ‘Izzy is right’, which was followed up with another text half an hour later saying ‘Magnus agrees with us’.

Even Luke voiced his opinion, which was a little embarrassing conversation, because Simon really didn’t expect to get dating advice from his father figure. Bat thought Simon and Jace were already dating. Simon knew he was right about being transparent.

Most importantly, in his daydreams, he didn’t imagine not doing anything about it, which is exactly how he has reacted in reality.

For his defence, he panicked and it took him a week to get used to the idea of Jace actually being in love with him and another week to accept it. For the past weeks, he has been kind of avoiding Jace and he knows that Jace knows it because he keeps looking like a kicked puppy when he comes up with new excuses to avoid spending time with him.

He feels terrible, but he has no idea what to do.

Maybe he is a coward, but feelings are scary. Terrifying, awful and horrible. His head is full of doubt and honestly, he is scared of doing something, anything at all, because he is afraid he will ruin everything. Knowing that he has a chance is somehow even worse than thinking that he doesn’t have a chance. There are too many things at risk.

He doesn’t want to rush things, either. Although, there probably isn’t any aspect of rushing in pining for a half year, but he still wants to do it right. He likes Clary’s advice of getting him a gift, but he has no idea what to get to him. He cannot just give him a candle and say _hey I like you, too._

He does what he does best. He writes a song for him. It’s not the first song he has written about Jace, but nobody needs to know that.

He pours all of his feelings into it, the pining, love and longing and all of the doubts and fears. For him, it seems transparent that it is about him and Jace, but he tries to write the lyrics in a more vague way so in case of possible rejection, he can just brush it off by saying it isn’t about them.

Few weeks and a lot of unnecessary punches and exasperated sighs from Clary and Izzy later, he has pulled from few strings so that he has a gig at Hunter’s Moon on Jace’s birthday.

***

It seemed like a good idea when he had come up with it. Now, that he is on stage and he should perform the song for the whole audience, and most importantly to Jace, it doesn’t seem like a good idea. It is the worst idea he has ever had and he has had plenty of bad ideas.

He kind of hopes the stage would just swallow him as a whole and he could just disappear.

The bar isn’t bustling, but he can still feel the crowd’s gaze on him and suddenly the spotlights’ warmth feels overwhelming. His throat dries and it feels like the Sahara desert and his ears are ringing. He wants to run away and hide somewhere far away. Everything seems easier when his eyes find Jace from the crowd.

He cannot see him clearly, but it seems like he is smiling. He likes to think he is smiling. Jace knows he gets stage fright sometimes. When he had told about that to him, he had promised to attend every single show he plays unless the world was ending. Simon had thought that was fair.

He has played a bunch of songs already. His set list has a little more romantic vibes than usually so that the song wouldn’t stand out too much.

“The next song is written for someone who’s really special to me,” Simon says, even though his brain is yelling that he should abort the whole thing. “They actually have a birthday today,” he continues and he can only hope his voice doesn’t sound as wobbly and weak as it feels. “So, happy birthday.”

As he plays, he comes suddenly aware that his voice and guitar are the only sounds in the whole bar. The song is quiet and gentle with slow pace. He keeps his eyes mostly closed because he is too afraid to see Jace’s reaction and it helps him to focus.

Even he can hear that his voice breaks, occasionally, out of emotion, but he keeps singing and playing.

When he finishes it, there are a few seconds full of silence, but then the applause breaks out. With any other song, he would be over the moon because of the enthusiastic reaction, but right now, he only cares about one person’s reaction.

In his mind, he curses the dim lighting of Hunter’s Moon because he cannot see Jace or his reaction properly. He is very still and his body looks stiffened but he doesn’t walk out of the bar, so Simon considers it as a win.

He continues to the next song as if performing the previous song wasn’t the most terrifying thing he has ever done.

He has no clue how he keeps his focus on the singing and playing, but somehow he does. That is until the thing he has been dreading happens. Jace walks out of the bar mid-song. It’s a song he has played dozen times before and Simon quickly comes to the conclusion that the current song is not the reason for his sudden walk-out.

He feels bad for hoping that Jace walks out because of some sort demon emergency, but he knows there is no emergency. More people would be walking out if there were.

His heart sinks as he watches him leave, but he still continues to play, because he cannot do anything else and he is not even sure if he wants to do anything else.

***

He knew rejection was a real possibility. He has imagined it, too, thousand times over. He always imagined that Jace would let him down gently and things would be awkward between them for a while but then everything would return to normal and they would pretend that nothing ever happened.

He didn’t imagine it to hurt this much. By some miracle, he finishes the gig without breaking down. However, as soon as he finishes, the devastation takes over. He feels crushed and he is sure he will crumble at any given moment.

He didn’t expect heartbreak to be so agonizing. The pain is barely bearable, excruciating, but at the same time he feels numb. He wants to curl up into a ball and hide somewhere.

The worst thing is that he cannot blame anyone for this, except maybe himself. He cannot blame Jace for not loving him. He cannot blame his friends because they genuinely seemed to believe that he loves him. He can blame himself because he was stupid and hopeful enough to do something even though he knew it wouldn’t work out.

He hopes he would have never even considered the possibility that Jace likes him back because he clearly does not.

***

In retrospect, going to _their_ place wasn’t maybe the wisest decision, but Simon is still surprised when he finds Jace from the rooftop.

It’s late in the night and dark, and the rooftop is covered in ice and snow, making it slippery. The wind is freezing, but the city looks beautiful despite the snow that starts fall slowly.

“How did you find me?” Jace asks sharply, sounding slightly hurt, without turning around.

Simon can understand the appeal of avoiding eye contact. He buries himself deeper into his huge scarf. He feels so _small._ This is the opposite of what he wanted. He wanted to hide, not to meet him.

“I’d like to say I know you so well that I knew you would be here, but no, I just wanted to be left alone and this was the only place I could think of,” Simon mumbles, mostly against his scarf.

Jace nods as he watches the dark skyline of Manhattan. The lights of the city are bright and illuminating the night in different colours. The city’s noises are loud, but Simon doesn’t pay any attention to them, even though he could hear most of them.

“I can go if you want,” Simon offers, in a hushed tone, nodding towards the door, even though Jace cannot see it.

“Stay,” Jace asks softly but sorrowfully, still looking down from the rooftop.

Simon wonders whether he should just decline and go away, but most importantly they are friends and he wants to fix whatever he broke between them.

He walks next to Jace, and for a moment that seems to last forever, they are quiet.

“I’m sorry I walked out,” Jace eventually says, ruefully, breaking the heavy silence.

Simon blinks in surprise. He didn’t expect an apology. To be honest, he has no idea what he is expecting. “It’s okay,” Simon says, his voice sounding brittle, even though it isn’t okay on any level. “I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable.”

“You didn’t,” he admits, quietly.

“Oh,” Simon says, perplexed. He looks at Jace from the corner of his eye and he looks genuinely upset, but for a moment, Simon thinks he can see traces of regret on his face, which does not make sense for him.

“Did you-“

“Why-“

They speak at the same time, but as soon as they hear each other, they fall silent. Simon flashes an awkward smile and Jace just kicks a lump of ice further away.

The atmosphere is full of awkwardness and the tension between them is so thick it could be cut with a knife. Simon loathes it. It’s uncomfortable and everything that their thing didn’t use to be. This isn’t what it is supposed to be.

“Did you mean it? The song,” Jace asks, immediately. He still refuses to look even at the general direction of him.

“Yeah,” Simon answers, deciding that honesty is a much better way to go than denial. Denial is what got them into this situation. “It wouldn’t be a good song, if the lyrics wouldn’t be true. It’d make performing a lot harder. I don’t like to pretend when I’m up on a stage,” he finds himself rambling on.

Jace takes what sounds a very shaky breath, and Simon glances at him in surprise.

“So you like me?” It sounds like a question because his voice is so small and fragile. It almost sounds as if he is nervous.

Simon lets out a joyless laugh. “I think like is a bit of understatement,” he answers and it feels great to finally say it aloud to him. It is a relief, even if their thing won’t end up the way he hoped.

Jace turns and finally looks at him. Simon cannot name any of the emotions he sees on his face. It’s a mess of emotions, but he thinks he looks mostly confused mixed with disbelief, but even that could be a shot in the dark.

“I thought you weren’t interested in me that way,” Jace says, sounding as if he is reciting a fact that he fully believes in, but he still seems apprehensive.

“What?” Simon manages to choke out.

“I’ve been trying to tell you for months that I love you, and you never said anything,” he says seriously with only a hint of embarrassment, as he stares at him, and Simon feels like his gaze pierces through him and that he is staring at his soul.

Simon knows Jace doesn’t throw the word love around a lot, which means he is serious. He isn’t joking and it is an overwhelming thought. Simon doesn’t know what to do with himself, but he is overjoyed.

“You--what? I-No, it- You’ve been flirting with me?” Simon stammers eloquently and he has never felt more confused or lost.

“For the past three months, but thanks for noticing,” Jace says with a flash of that sarcastic smile that Simon has seen countless times before.

Simon rolls his eyes and punches him in the arm. “Don’t be an idiot.”

“I’m not the idiot in this situation,” Jace says, laughing. He seems so much more relaxed than before, his whole demeanour has changed, and Simon likes the change. It’s better to see him smile and laugh than brood on the rooftop.

Simon’s whole body still tingles from relief, excitement and pure happiness. It is a numbing feeling, but Simon wouldn’t change it for the world.

“No, but seriously I had no idea,” Simon says as sincerely as he can, because he truly was clueless about it. He still cannot comprehend it. “I was so sure that we couldn’t be pining after each other without knowing about it.”

“It was fairly obvious,” Jace remarks with a reminiscent smirk. “The gifts,” he adds, and suddenly the puzzle pieces click together. Almost everything makes sense. Izzy and Clary were right about them after all.

“I thought you were just being kind,” Simon says, wincing at his own sheer obviousness.

“I was trying to be symbolic with them,” Jace says, but Simon has no idea whether he is kidding or not because there is a small smile forming on his lips but at the same time he looks like he wants to bang his head against a brick wall.

Simon just shakes his head.

“It started with the souvenirs if you haven’t caught up yet,” Jace explains wryly. Simon glares at him, but he remains quiet. “Do you even actually remember what I said about the souvenirs month ago?”

“That you buy them only for Max?” Simon offers, even though he knows that it isn’t the answer Jace is looking for, but he doesn’t know what else to answer.

Jace sighs exasperatedly. “I said that I can understand why Izzy bought one for Maia because she loves her and my siblings are the only people I love. Alec and Izzy are with me most of the time on all of the diplomatic missions, so that leaves only Max.”

“Oh, _oh_ , now I get it,” Simon says, realisation dawning upon him. “You buy them only for those who you love,” he replies, softly, with a timid smile. He does not know why but he hadn’t remembered the love part at all when thinking about the conversation.

“Better late than never,” Jace comments amusedly, and Simon has a sudden urge to punch him again, but he resists the temptation.

“I mean it’s sweet but that’s the vaguest way to confess loving someone I have ever heard of,” Simon says matter-of-factly, biting his smile.

“When you just joked about them I thought you were brushing me off gently,” he says, quietly.

“I would never do that,” Simon replies, almost immediately, because it is crucial for him to Jace to realise that he never tried to let him down.

Jace gives him a thin smile. “Then I decided to try again.”

“The Hanukkah present.”

“Yeah, because apparently people try to get something special for those who they care about,” he explains, trying to be nonchalant, but failing spectacularly.

“It was a great gift. It warmed my undead heart a lot,” Simon jokes. “But I only thought you had stepped up your gift buying game.”

“You’re hopeless,” Jace remarks, but his smile is warm.

“If I’m hopeless so are you,” Simon shoots back, “what about the jacket?” He asks, genuinely curious about it.

“That was just flirting,” he replies with a shrug.

“And I thought you were good at flirting,” Simon deadpans.

“Hey, it isn’t my fault if the receiving end isn’t receiving the message,” Jace says, but a happy laugh erupts from him. “The Hamilton tickets are literally for Valentine’s Day and you still didn’t get the hint.”

Simon opens his mouth, but he doesn’t know how to defend himself. “I didn’t notice that at all.”

“I have heard you bragging about those vampire senses and how nothing gets past them more than once,” Jace points out unhelpfully.

“Shut up,” Simon says without any heat behind his words, rolling his eyes, but he is still happy. This is what is supposed to be like. “If you’re so observant, how come you didn’t know about my feelings?”

“You didn’t do anything about them until today.”

Simon is willing to admit that he has a fair point, but it reminds him of his original question. “Why did you walk out?” He tries to ask it as casually as possible because he doesn’t want to ruin the mood, but he needs to know.

“It was kind of--overwhelming,” Jace says slowly and carefully, as if he wants to find the right words, “to know that you feel the same and I just didn’t know what to do.”

“I know the feeling. I wanted to do this right,” he says with gesturing between them, “but nothing about this is going according to the plan.”

“It seems to be a reoccurring theme,” Jace agrees with a tired smile.

“We could have avoided this whole thing if you’ve said something instead of being vague,” Simon jokes, because they could have had this conversation months ago. Months without pining and hiding.

“It’s more your fault,” Jace deadpans, “because at least I did something and you could have said something, too.”

“Sure, sure, but you had to imply things and be mysterious, so, at least like, half of the fault is yours,” Simon tells him kindly.

“Gifts felt safer than actual talking,” Jace says, sounding surprisingly vulnerable and his smile becomes dim and weak, “you could have rejected me easier through the gifts than if I had actually told you.”

Simon grabs Jace’s hand and holds it in his. He softly rubs the back of his hand with his thumb. “Feelings are scary,” he concludes, getting a laugh out of Jace, “but I thought you didn’t get scared or nervous,” he teases gently.

“Maybe there are some things,” Jace admits quietly with an enamoured smile, “but maybe we can navigate through the scary parts together.”

“Smooth, real smooth,” Simon laughs, but pulls Jace closer by grabbing him by his jacket.

There are definitely something bigger than butterflies in his stomach but he kisses him gently and it is not a perfect kiss, but Simon couldn’t care less. It’s not rushed kiss, but still slightly sloppy because either one of them cannot stop smiling. It becomes slower and softer, but Simon still doesn’t loosen his grip of his jacket. Jace keeps his arms firmly wrapped around him.

It feels as if they let go, they will lose each other again.

Eventually, Jace pulls away, but there is no sign of regret, just an enormous grin radiating happiness, and Simon is sure his heart bursts right there. His face mirrors Jace’s happiness.

They are still so painstakingly close, that it takes Simon for a moment to realise that they are still at the rooftop and that is still snowing. The weather is atrocious for standing at the rooftop, but it does not ruin their mood. Simon is convinced that nothing could ruin this moment.

Jace’s face is covered in drops of water and they glister on his skin. The leather jacket under Simon’s palm feels damp. He is sure he is also covered in melted snowflakes and his coat is soaking, but he really doesn’t care.

“Maybe this went according to the plan after all,” Simon muses, softly, looking at him.

“Yeah,” Jace agrees, kissing his forehead serenely.

Somehow, Simon suddenly believes that somethings are meant to happen, no matter what, and that maybe they were one of those things.  

 

**Author's Note:**

> I have written this for on and off for months and I'm blind to everything including mistakes, characterization and grammar, so all the mistakes are mine. This is the longest fic I have ever written and it's slightly messy but I hope you guys like it. The title is from a song called 'Black Butterflies and Deja Vu" by The Maine.


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